Hopey, Changey, Bendy Straws

Because it's not enough that I spent 2008 having my accent compared to Sarah Palin, last night my mother sent me the story of how Palin's speaking contract has a rider requiring bendable straws, with a subject line that said "Can pink pop be far behind?", CCd to my brother, who immediately responded with laughter.

Why is this hilarious to my family?

Because during a long stretch of BLINDING PAIN and TRAGIC DISABILITY in my teens, I got a little . . . demanding. Whiney. Bitchy. Hard to deal with. Because of, you know, the BLINDING PAIN. And also because I was a teenage girl. But the lasting story of this stretch of time is not how I triumphed, overcame it, went on to live a productive life despite being drugged out of my mind for years on end and only attending 2.5 years of my 4 years in high school.

No.

It's the story of how I demanded "pink pop" (diet cherry 7-up) with a "bendy straw" and cried and cried until my brother would fetch it for me. When he tells the story, he even mocks the weak sad little voice I said it in.

But I haven't done that in YEARS, people. I drink out of non-bendy straws all the time now. Sarah Palin, I am not.

You all can just suck it. SUCK IT THROUGH A BENDY STRAW.

Posted by

Jane

in Politics & Religion on 04-14-10 at 10:58
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DuMom

04/14/2010 11:02AM

Guatemala

Jane

04/14/2010 11:04AM

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Perfect save, Mom.

#1.1

james

04/14/2010 11:05AM

I always thought your voice had more of a Prairie Home Companion sound than whatever Palin's is. I'm sure next you and Palin will be sharing recipes and cute outfits to dress your dogs up in

BFF's forever

Jane

04/14/2010 11:06AM

Oh boy, you're lucky you posted that under a pseudonym, because James is a dead man.

#2.1

James

04/14/2010 11:12AM

Oh come on, what's do you have against Prairie Home Companion?

#2.1.1

Jane

04/14/2010 11:13AM

Wrecks would look pretty fierce on a snow machine.

#2.1.1.1

Marc

04/14/2010 11:36AM

2/3rds Squirt, a little less than 1/3rd cranberry juice cocktail. That is what I think when I think pink pop. TRY IT.

Jane

04/14/2010 11:48AM

I had enough of your beverage recipes after this one: http://bit.ly/aG5kbB

#3.1

Marc

04/14/2010 05:40PM

Well, it tastes better than the irish rickeys you were talking about. Major fail.

#3.1.1

kevin eckert

Homepage

04/14/2010 11:37AM

This woman from Alaska would be completely laughable if she weren't right now standing in front of a bunch of crazed gun lovers in Boston screaming to "take our country back!" She continually shows herself to be nothing but an empty talking head. And yet the more moronic of our population keeps gravitating to her anyway. It's such a sad state of affairs. She made 12 million dollars last year thanks to ignorant America. I hope she gets two bendy straws stuck up her nose and waterboarded 'til she can see Russia.

Jane

04/14/2010 11:42AM

That is terrifying, yes. She lathers her followers up into a good foam and then steps back and holds her hands up and says "What? I'm not advocating for violence? Who me? I wasn't referring to shooting people when I labeled Democrats on a map using crosshairs."

#4.1

jen!

Homepage

04/14/2010 12:44PM

And here I thought Tab Cola was Pink Pop. My bad.

Jane

04/14/2010 12:46PM

Ha! I've had a Tab within the last couple of years. It was not good. Not good at all.

How much fun is it to think about how all the chemicals in my diet cherry 7-up were potentially contributing to my migraines?

Woo hoo.

#5.1

Lupe Gonzalez

04/14/2010 02:31PM

I concur with James, but the Prairie Home Companion commonality is not your voice, but that cute little whistling noise emanating from amongst your thicket of bristly little nasal hairs.

Jane

04/14/2010 02:33PM

I know who you are, you coward! I didn't even have to look it up!

And I would have thought that THIS of all subjects would have been the perfect place for your Scandinavian personality to prance about.

#6.1

Ima Wurdibitsch

Homepage

04/14/2010 03:49PM

HAhahaha! I love you. Really.

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/14/2010 05:39PM

OK, I'm scared to comment, because it will sound like I'm defending Palin (may God strike me down if that ever happens), but . . . clauses like "bendy straws required" or "no green M&Ms" are inserted by lawyers for the specific purpose of testing the venue to make sure they a) read the contract, and b) are complying with all of its provisions. The theory is that if they comply with the little, picky things, they have read the entire thing and know what is required of them, and they are therefore more likely to adhere to the conditions that actually matter. So, I'm not actually defending Palin, I'm defending her lawyers. Guess I learned SOMETHING in that Entertainment Law class 14 years ago.

Jane

04/14/2010 05:42PM

I knew that already, and thought of it earlier today, actually. I learned it from some gross guy from some hair band. I really should have researched this before I started typing this comment.

But you're missing the point. The point is not that Sarah Palin's contract requires bendy straws, not at all. The point is that my OWN MOTHER read an article about Sarah Palin and THOUGHT OF ME.

#8.1

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/14/2010 06:23PM

I know that was the point, but I was trying to block it out, because I just can't handle the idea that DuMom could be so very, very cruel.

#8.1.1

Jane

04/14/2010 06:30PM

Obviously I need to re-tell the story from when DuMom slammed my head in a car door and dragged me down Main Street in the snow, barefoot.

#8.1.1.1

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/14/2010 06:34PM

I knew she was scrappy.

#8.1.1.1.1

Jane

04/14/2010 06:37PM

Scrappy!! I just watched that episode!

Mom keeps clawing her way back in, that's for sure.

#8.1.1.1.1.1

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/14/2010 06:39PM

Just remember water balloon beats fire. And don't forget to use . . . UNAGI.

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1

DuMom

04/14/2010 07:03PM

No you are missing the point...how does comparing Sarah Palin's demands to those of a very sick kid reflect badly on the sick kid?

#8.1.2

DuMom

04/14/2010 07:10PM

And in my own defense, it was well above zero for the barefoot dragging incident; and it was only a baby tooth on the car door incident. I'll show you scrappy in about a minute!

#8.1.2.1

Jane

04/15/2010 07:55AM

I'm surprised that you didn't mention that all of the interstate rest areas and truck stops I've been left at were all very clean!

#8.1.2.1.1

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/14/2010 07:19PM

a) It's personalizing it to this particular sick kid, making this sick kid sound as bad as Palin.

b) NO sick kid could be as bad as Palin. Because a kid is just a kid. A grownup should know better.

#8.1.2.2

Jane

04/14/2010 05:43PM

Van Halen. I learned it from Van Halen and their heavy ass stage and electrical load.

http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/vanhalen.asp

Jane

04/14/2010 05:46PM

And upon re-reading that link, I want to know what the "business end" of a 747 is? Because I'm sorry, I don't value any end of a 747 over any other end because it seems like a 747 should just be whole and complete if it's going to get any business done.

But really, what do you think he meant? The engines? Aren't they in the middle? The pilot? Would that really be the weightiest part?

#9.1

Ed Marshall

04/14/2010 05:54PM

What part of an airplane does a man consider the business end? Seriously? Look at the thing?

#9.1.1

Jane

04/14/2010 05:56PM

Point taken.

But I don't think that would be the heavy end, which is what he's referring to in this context?

Oh my god. I can't believe I'm analyzing a David Lee Roth quote with this much gusto.

#9.1.1.1

Ed Marshall

04/14/2010 06:01PM

No, that's ripe for deconstruction! The nose isn't the heavy part of the airplane it's the lightest point actually, but that's what he meant. And I never even thought twice about it, because the part that looks like a prick and penetrates space should be heavier!

#9.1.1.1.1

Ed Marshall

04/14/2010 05:46PM

I've always been a little suspicious of the justification for the M&M rider. It sounds like ex post facto horseshit that Van Halen made up after they realized what a bunch of coked up, megalomaniacs they were.

That said, I'm sure Palin doesn't write her rider and that some dweeby little GOP bratling staffer added that in there because drinking out of non-bendy straws make some really unflatering still shots.

The airplane stuff is more damning to me. The ex-part-time Gov. of Alaska can't fly commercial. I get once you have made that decision that you want a Leer Jet (it's the little canvas bodies that kill you in small planers) but THAT is the real prima donna deal.

#10

Jane

04/14/2010 05:51PM

Ed does have a point. Unflattering photos. Or maybe she thinks it's unladylike (I learned a few years ago of a racer that won't let his wife drink beer out of a bottle because he views it as "unladylike" so I'm always on the lookout for things a lady does and does not do pertaining to beverages).

Which makes this a good place to address Marc's previous comment with a "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SWORDCOCK?" Jameson and limes. How can you go wrong with that?

Unless it's unladylike.

#10.1

Jamie

04/14/2010 05:58PM

Is this the largest gathering of dude comments you've ever had on one post?

#11

Jane

04/14/2010 06:02PM

Ha! It may be. Although Jake, JE, CodFather, Scott, and Casey haven't weighed in yet, so it's not a quorum of DuJ dude regulars yet.

#11.1

J.E.

04/14/2010 06:10PM

I'm here. I just don't even know where to start.

#12

CodFather

04/14/2010 11:12PM

Geez, I usually avoid gatherings that have role call!

Let's see...I'm just gonna stand over here with J.E.

#13

scott

04/14/2010 11:44PM

I'm w/ J.E. And Codfather-when a line of conversation goes from Palin to sick kid, to Van Halen, to 747s, I just kind of ride. By the time I could get a point formulated, its time to do the paperwork and move along.

But for the record, D called me (I was asleep in Manassas, VA) and said my name had made the comment line and I'd best come see why.

More importantly Happy Birthday D. I love you and I miss you.

#14

04/15/2010 05:49AM

Wow, redemption is sweet....

#15

Jane

04/15/2010 07:54AM

Awwwww, look at all the schmoop! Newlyweds are so cute.

#15.1

NoShowMo

Homepage

04/16/2010 07:21AM

I just need to know what scott was doing in Manasshole.

#15.1.1

Jane

04/16/2010 07:51AM

Trucking in KY.

What? Funniest misunderstood text EVER.

#15.1.1.1

kylydia

Homepage

04/16/2010 09:12AM

I just saw this come through my feed reader, so no context, and I got REALLY excited. I thought you were coming to see me!

#15.1.1.1.1

Jane

04/16/2010 09:14AM

Awwwww, I'm sorry. Although at about 9 pm last night, there was some talk of a crazy last-minute plan for me to be in Paducah, Kentucky tonight. But it's not happening.

I do want to come see you, though. We need to figure that out. You just have to promise me that you aren't going to drown me.

#15.1.1.1.1.1

kylydia

Homepage

04/16/2010 10:41AM

I can promise that since I've pretty much quit boating in favor of old lady crafts (as the husband says).

#15.1.1.1.1.1.1

Jane

04/16/2010 10:42AM

I can't decide if I'm more scared of quilting or whitewater rafting!

#15.1.1.1.1.1.1.1

04/16/2010 07:15AM

um, cute we are not...i have never seen a blog get this far off course...wow

#16

Jane

04/16/2010 07:52AM

Were you around last year for Dano's "baby" heard 'round the world?

#16.1

Dano

04/16/2010 09:34AM

Yes!! I win again!

Speaking of phalics, what was that quote I texted you the other day, Janey?

Oh, wait. I'm not really here. Just ignore me and carry on.

#17

Jane

04/16/2010 09:39AM

Quote, which quote?

"So, recapping what we know for sure, your inadequacy is verified, and you can't rule out the possibility that I'm awesome."

or maybe

"You can do whatever you want, it's your life."

or was it

"I went to Angell Park Speedway and all I got was this tattoo that said . . . "

#17.1

Dano

04/16/2010 09:43AM

"Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? All the best kinds!"

#18

Jane

04/16/2010 09:46AM

You didn't send me that! That must have been somebody else that you like talking about dick-shaped food with.

#18.1

Dano

04/16/2010 10:04AM

Actually, I did send it. It's not my fault that your overprotective new AI "phone" is censoring/filtering my messages.

#19

Jane

04/16/2010 10:15AM

My Google phone keeps trying to restrict your access to me, but only you! I'm thinking maybe Google has been monitoring your Gmail and knows of some kind of evil plan and is trying to keep me safe.

Thanks, Google.

#19.1

Jane

04/16/2010 10:18AM

Also, regarding food shaped like dicks - I think the most exhaustive research ever done on the topic was for Sly Stallone's Indy racing movie "Driven". The only scenes not involving car crashes are scenes that feature hot women licking or devouring dick-shaped food items.

#20

Dano

04/16/2010 10:37AM

And yet, somehow, people think it's a bad movie.

#21

CodFather

04/16/2010 12:44PM

It is a bad movie. But maybe I need to watch it again with beers and a couple of friends who make constant comments about the hot chicks and dick-shaped food items, Mystery Science 3000 style.

#22

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Hopey, Changey, Bendy Straws

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