Duchess Jane

Since MB is in such a rush to identify plants that she went to work on labeling somebody else's garden in my last post's comments, I should hurry up and get these pictures posted. All of them are here, but this is the plant I most want to identify. I've found several succulents that sort of look like it on google images, but I want to know for sure.

Oh man. I'm exhausted. What a weekend!

On Friday night, HG and I drove to Chillicothe, IL with big plans. The truck contained a dirt bike, the dog, an assault rifle, swim suits, and a whole watermelon. Doesn't that sound like the ingredients for some interesting photos?

We thought rain would hamper much of the fun, but we had a blast. Hot Guy spent Saturday on the dirt bike with his buddies while I spent some quality time with D, selling houses and otherwise getting into trouble. We all went out for steak at Alexanders that night, though Hot Guy did not attempt the crazy Beefeater again. He insists he's retired.

On Sunday, I stayed mostly indoors to watch the Indy 500, while the rest o' them went out on the boat to wakeboard. Lucky me, I was still able to see quite a bit of their hijinx thanks to the giant picture window facing the river. My photos are all here.

We drove home late on Sunday afternoon and woke up bright and early on Monday to work. After a giant trip to Menards, Hot Guy is back to ripping apart the hot tub deck and I have finally received permission to rip out all of the ugly rock that is covering up what should be beautiful flower beds. Now my challenge will be to find something that will actually grow in all of that shade so that I don't succumb to the urge to fill it all in with rock again.

I'm going to take a bunch of photos tonight and post them here tomorrow in the hopes that somebody on the internet can help me identify what plants are growing right now and whether or not I should leave them be or rip them out. Stay tuned, invisible friends and gardeners.

Today is the anniversary of my very first date with Hot Guy. Some of you may have participated in the Guess the Crazy Contest. I should probably award the prize for that, even though we're still together, because clearly there is a winner or two on that list. Anyway, to celebrate one year of Hot Guy, I'm going to show you pictures of Hot Guy. Believe me, I miss the Napkin View Shots as much as the rest of you. That was the best part of dating, after all, wasn't it? So on Wednesday night at Don Pablos, I took a Napkin View Shot of HG just for the sentimental value.

Here he is on our first date, one year ago tonight. Look how young and energetic he looks! And that expression! It's like "Whoa, what's she doing? This is so crazy and funny and wild. I wonder if she'll dare to post pictures of me on the internet! These crazy kids and their crazy internet!"

This photo is from six months later, when we went back to the same TGI Fridays. We already discussed the issues with this photo here.

So this is Hot Guy on Wednesday at Don Pablos. I'm just glad he's not drooling, to be honest.

Thanks for putting up with me for one year, pumpkin. We'll just count those few BREAK! weeks here and there as time off for good behavior.

The Rockford IceHogs won the United Hockey League championship last night.

Despite winning, I have some issues. Okay, a lot of issues. You all know I was a big UHL fan. Not so much anymore. The way the UHL handled this championship series was a joke. It was clear from the beginning they did not want their champion to be a team that was leaving the league at the end of the season. They behaved with classless, obvious bias throughout the playoffs, and for that reason alone, I'm glad the IceHogs will no longer be affiliated with the United Hockey League.

Last night as I was walking around the stadium, a man was carrying a large sign that said "Win it for the fans, puck the city." First of all, any sign where puck=fuck just plain rocks. Secondly, he's right. The IceHogs played for us last night, not the blowhards that pulled a fast one on the taxpayers of Rockford and Winnebago County.

To the Rockford Register Star, WIFR, WREX, and any other media outlet in Rockford - SHAME ON YOU. You managed to pull off coverage of the last 3 games of the playoffs. But look at this crowd. Look. 6,000+ people in the MetroCentre last night.

This is the crowd we should have had all year. Rockford hockey was a great source of entertainment ALL SEASON. You spent 5 seconds every other game on hockey coverage and devoted one paragraph on the 6th page of the paper to whether we won or lost until the playoffs started. You repeatedly covered the story of the MetroCentre renovation and the move to the AHL, but consistently failed to even report the score. You hailed the move to the AHL by saying things like "Rockford hockey fans will now be able to follow local players who move to the NHL." Well, dipshits, we already do. UHL IceHogs players routinely moved up to bigger and better things, and YOU NEVER COVERED IT. You cannot blame the readers of your paper or the viewers of your show for failing to have interest in the stories you don't cover. Journalism is work. It's a job. Our hockey team will not make it to the championship series every single season, and our hockey team will fail if you only cover the easy and the obvious stories.

Next season, I fully expect Rockford media to return to their previous state of paltry coverage. And then eventually we'll have a front-page story asking why we can't pay the MetroCentre bills anymore. Do you see a pattern, people?

So, this is Tyler Willis, #13 of the Kalamazoo Wings, who pulled the N-word on one of the IceHogs players in a game in Kalamazoo last week. The ref called him on it, it was his 3rd big penalty of the game, he was suspended for a game, and the UHL commissioner "reviewed the call" and revoked his suspension. You heard it here first. The UHL clearly has no problem with racists, as long as it tips the playoffs to follow their script.

Happier thoughts. Happier thoughts, Jane! Here is the team celebrating and tackling each other on the ice as the game ended.

Here is Nathan Lutz accepting the Colonial Cup. The bald man in the tan suit is the UHL commissioner, who was roundly booed by the crowd, and I'm not even ashamed to say that I joined in on that. He said something about how this was his last year as commissioner, and judging by the decisions he made during the playoffs, I'm not surprised.

Congratulations, Rockford. Even my cold bitchy heart was a thumping last night. I held it together through the "We Are the Champions" trophy kissing fest, but the minute they cued up the music for "It's a Great Day to Be Alive" (the song played after every win), I shed a tear. Can't wait for next season!

All photos here. Video of the final seconds of the game after the jump.

Hey guys!

So, Jane has gotten a lot of fan mail recently asking how I’m doing, seeing how it’s May and the Indy 500 is this weekend and all of that.

I’m okay. Really I am. It’s been a little tough these past few weeks because FSD (FullSizeDanica) is getting all of the attention and everyone seems to have forgotten about me. It’s like, you know, the rest of the year nobody even knows what she’s doing because, like, it’s not like she’s winning races left and right or anything. So I get eleven months of being myself and then one solid month of standing in her shadow. Man, I can’t even describe it.

I think I might be having some sort of identity crisis. Sure, it’s totally understandable and all, I barely even have my own name. But seriously, guys, I don’t even look like her! Now that she’s changed teams, my uniform and helmet are different too! When will people realize I AM MY OWN PERSON?

So I’m seeing a new therapist. Her name is Dr. Miller and she says that I need to build an identity that is separate from FSD if I ever want to be happy. She made an excellent point in our session yesterday about how this year’s Indy 500 will be even harder on me than we expected, because Sarah Fisher and Milka Duno both qualified for the race as well. Why would that make a difference?

Well, Sarah Fisher is the IRL’s top-finishing woman, with a 2nd and 3rd at Homestead and Kentucky. And she was the IRL’s most popular driver for three years, a fan voted award. She’s just so sweet and wholesome and she never takes her clothes off and crawls across a hot rod. I mean, why can’t I be MiniSarah? If I were MiniSarah, nobody would be asking to see my MiniVulva to compare it to the sticky magazine in their bathroom. Sarah is like a totally serious racer, with clothes that stay on and everything. GOD it’s SO UNFAIR.

And have you seen Milka Duno? She’s gorgeous. And she has FOUR Master’s Degrees! FOUR! She’s so pretty and so smart and she’s got all that Venezuelan oil money behind her. Milka Milka Milka. Even her name is totally designed for winning the Indy 500. MILK-a. A big winner’s drink of Milka. I would have been such a good MiniMilka. I would have had such a cute accent and boobs. I’d kill for boobs.

You also have to consider that the appeal of being any kind of Ica – mini or full-size – is the uniqueness. If there’s all these girls racing around at the same time, what does that do to the whole “I’m the only girl Indy racer so that makes me special” shtick, huh? I mean, if all these girls invade Indy, that makes race car driving women almost . . . normal. And if racing women are normal now, does that mean they actually have to finish well in order to get respect and legitimate attention? Total suck.

So, with Dr. Miller’s help, I’m trying not to concentrate so much on the fact that my entire life is based on being a shoddy caricature of the one female racer at Indy who is not the highest finishing one, the respectable one, the smart one, or the pretty one. I’m just, like, the miniature media freak show girl, you know? And it totally blows. Life will go on after Indy is over this year, but you know how it is. You leave therapy and you think “It’s okay, Minica, you’ll get it together, you’re strong and confident and you have your whole life in front of you,” and then you turn on the television and the headline is Diva 500 blah blah blah blah and you just want to throw yourself in front of the neighbor kid’s Big Wheel.

But to answer the questions, yes, I’m still around. No, I’m not going to the race. I’ll watch it on TV and then I’ll probably have to double my dose of Effexor.

Best wishes and Happy Memorial Day!!

Love,

Minica