Duchess Jane

I haven't been reading the Rockford Register Star website as often as usual lately, so I almost missed this gem, but I have to explain why it's funny, so it's almost not funny anymore.

This article is about a woman who answers a phone line. Rockford is in an area of Illinois that now has two different area codes that overlap each other. As a result, you have to dial 1+ the area code for every call you make, even if it's up the hallway or to the next door neighbor.

Dial 7 digits, indeed.

Yesterday, I received a new handbag in the mail from Alice at FutureGirl, who celebrated her Blogaversary by giving away stuff. I was definitely the luckiest winner. It's the most awesome thing ever, quite frankly. It's called the Bleeding Heart Handbag and it's my first handmade bag and I'm in love. I just keep touching it, over and over, every inch of it. The lining, the little bleeding heart, the candy canes she shipped inside of it. It's so wonderful and perfect and I'll love it forever. Every time I read the FutureGirl craft blog in my feed, I wonder why I'm there, because I'm not crafty at all. I read the detailed instructions in her tutorials and everything, I have never sewed a stitch in my life, never picked up needles or yarn or anything remotely close to it. But the FutureGirl site makes me delirious with the desire to learn those skills, so perhaps I'm trying to become crafty through RSS Feed Osmosis?

Remember this amazing review that I gave my new KitchenAid slow cooker 2 weeks ago? I need to add to it. Again, please be assured that nobody is paying me to say this and I'm not getting anything free for it. My real opinions. Really. Shortly after I published that review, the crock cracked. I had made chicken tacos, with chicken cooking in sauce all day long. After dinner, I put the leftovers away and pulled the crock out to clean it and noticed all kinds of burned junk in the heating part of the appliance. I washed the crock and examined it and found the tiniest hairline crack. I will admit to freaking the fuck out, because I paid $129 for this and I'm terrible about hanging onto receipts. So I grabbed my owner's manual and found the page that said "KitchenAid No Hassle Warranty". It was outside of business hours for the 1-800 number, so I waited until the next morning. With no questions asked, I got a new slow cooker. They took my name, address, phone number, asked what date I'd purchased it, and shipped me an entirely new appliance. It arrived on Tuesday and all I have to do is pack the old one into the box and UPS is coming to pick it up. No receipt. No bitching. And while I was waiting for my confirmation number, they offered me a very steep discount on a KitchenAid stand mixer to make up for my troubles.

Last night, we went to my Dad's house to watch the Packers/Cowboys game because we don't get the NFL network and he was having a party. My favorite part of the evening had to have been overhearing this conversation between Duke and my mom:

Announcer: They've decided to take Brett Favre back for x-rays.

Mom: That's my dream job, right there.

Duke: NFL x-ray person? You are qualified for it, aren't you?

Mom: Yes.

Duke: Hold still Brett. We need to examine your penis. But it's my elbow that hurts! Relax, Brett, we are pretty sure the problems are in your groin region.

Mom: ~nodding~

Tonight, Mom and Dad and I are driving to DeKalb for a show at the Egyptian Theatre by John Berry. John was one of my favorite country singers in the mid-90s and he sings the version of "O Holy Night" that I identified as my favorite Christmas song ever in my write-up last year. The show is going to be partially real music and partially Christmas music, and "O Holy Night" is even mentioned in all of the advertisements, so this is really a dream come true for me. I get to see John Berry sing "O Holy Night" live! Squeee!

Good evening! To enter the Project Runway Chat Room . . .

If you have not registered yet, you'll need to quickly confirm a valid email address. See you there!

Transcript posted. Thanks for a great night, everyone. It just keeps getting better!

Jane: Hello, Helio. Can I get a photo with you?

Helio: A photo? Just a photo? Let's dance!

Jane: I'm not much of a dancer, Helio. How about a photo?

Helio: We shall tango. Then we will make love.

Jane: Really? Because I'm getting an awful lot of Google hits this morning for the phrase "Is Helio Castroneves gay?"

Helio: Let me show you. First, I must park my race car. Then I must remove my fireproof underwear.

~alarm wakes me up~

"Everyone wants to harvest, but few want to plow."

Traci Lords had a music career? I was searching for "Would You Lay With Me (In A Field of Stone)" and my first page of results contained music by Traci Lords. How did I not know this? And am I going to hell for including a Traci Lords song on a church sign post?