Duchess Jane

You fucking sucked balls, I hate you, I'm glad you're over, and I don't ever plan on talking to you again. If we run into each other on the street, I'm going to pretend I don't know you. When people mention you, I'm going to ask them whose side they are on.

I'm so much better than you anyway. When we started hanging out, all my real friends raised their eyebrows like "Oh REALLY" and I just should have known better. Now that you're gone, everyone keeps telling me I should have gotten rid of you sooner. You're that much of a bastard.

So, so long 2008. I won't miss you. Get lost. Don't email me, don't drive past my house late at night when you think I won't recognize your truck, don't even think about that drunk dial.

Sincerely,

Jane

P.S. Boom says "go fuck yourself".

When I said that nothing is more depressing than drooling over the Burpee catalog in January, I was being completely serious.  I have plans, y'all.  Not experienced gardener award-winning plans, but plans nonetheless.  I know what thrived last year and what sucked and was ugly.  I know what I can neglect but not kill.   I'm going to use that knowledge to build the yard that I want, the yard that attracts the most yellow jackets, the yard that is sure to kill . . . what?  Where am I?

My plans are kind of heavy on simple things like impatiens, but it worked last year.  It's a place to start, a way to learn.

Notice the Arrested Development DVD case and the jar of sage?  That's what I used to make my super official landscaping plan.  Because I don't know anybody else that I could ask to draw one for me.  (Actually, I didn't tell him what I was up to until I was done, in case he laughed at me.)

Chicagoland Gardening had a booth near me at one of my home shows last year and I bought a subscription and I love it.  Get it.

Alrighty then.  Only how many more months until the sun shines again?

Tuesday:  Went to mall to get last-minute gift card in lieu of more inspired ideas.  Duke walked around at a snail's pace trying to figure out why everyone was running him over.  We celebrated Festivus by going to Granite City Brewery for dinner and airing our grievances at each other even more than we usually do.

Wednesday:  I worked at the office half a day, Duke worked on the house.  We had an early dinner at my parents' with Dad's famous prime rib, shrimp gruyere, my Grandma Wilma's taco salad, and other miscellaneous favorites from the past.  Christmas is the only time that Dad will make a recipe that he's already made, so we each request our favorites from previous meals and it ends up being a wild collection of things that don't go together.

Duke and I jumped in the truck after dinner and drove an hour to his sister's place to have coffee with his family, then drove an hour back.  The highlight of this trip, made on questionable country roads with drifting snow, was when we reached an accident that blocked the entire road and the person driving in front of us drove straight into the ditch while trying to execute a three-point turn.  Duke made a mental note to locate his towing straps so that he can play cowboy monster truck superhero next time.

We went back to my parents' house, opened gifts, and ate more food.  During gift opening, I took the only picture I'll ever need of Wags and Pipes.

Everyone was thrilled with their gifts.  My personal favorite was Duke's gift from my parents, a dinner with several members of the 1985 Chicago Bears team.  During the somber and silent moment after he opened it, Mom whispered "Doesn't he like it?" and he heard her and replied "I like it, I'm just trying to figure out how to keep from crying in front of Richard Dent."  From Wags and Pipes, Duke received the 20 Questions game featured in the earlier post, accurately guessing "poop".

Then we fell asleep to the mellow sounds of Team America: World Police.

Thursday:  Lazy morning at my parents' house, spent installing Mom's new external hard drive and software for her digital HD video camera.  And eating.  And eating.  We went home sometime in the afternoon.

Friday:  Duke went to work and I made the grocery shopping trip that put all other grocery trips to shame.  While watching TV that night, Duke composed a song during a commercial for a Praise & Worship CD collection.  His version was called "Jesus Fucking Rocks Balls" and it left me with so much Christmas spirit, I can't even describe it.

Saturday:  The day of the flood.  With a couple feet of snow on the ground, the temperature warmed up to the 40s and it rained for 2-3 days straight.  Bad news for many basements, including ours.  Duke spent much of the day patching and mopping and cursing.  Then we had ice cream.

Sunday:  I cleaned my kitchen in ways kitchens dream of being cleaned.  My kitchen was not this clean when it was brand new, 700 years ago.  It will never be this clean again.  I even sorted and performed an inventory on my spice cabinet, which resulted in a box of duplicates and a naughty text conversation with Sprout about my fabulous rack.  Duke ran electrical wiring.  My parents, Wags, and Pipes stopped by to watch the Blackhawks game, eat pizza, and kick our asses in a Sequence tournament that was such a crushing blow to Duke's ego that he has set up a Sequence training schedule for us.

Wags tried to see what Wrecks would look like in his newsboy hat.  This picture is from what Wags refers to as "The Hills take", meaning that the event passed, there was no camera, so we'll recreate it poorly and pretend it was the first take.

It's almost as good as the dog wearing antlers, no?

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and/or long weekend.

I'm not usually a meme person, but I enjoyed reading Erin's answers, so I left her a comment and joined in.

These are the questions she asked me to answer here.

#1 - If you could change one facet of your personality, would you? And if you would, what would you change?

I've been thinking lately that I have become pretty oversensitive. I'd change that. But it's one of those things that could easily be changed too far in the wrong direction, so maybe I'd be better off going through life as a crybaby than an asshole. Unless I'm both. Feel free to tell me I'm both.

#2 - Who or what is your biggest inspiration in life?

This is a damn near impossible question to answer. I have a pretty long list. I guess I'd say my parents. When I think about where they were at in their lives when they were my age, what kind of responsibilities they had and the types of decisions they were making, it totally blows my mind. And it doesn't hurt that the decisions they made then improved my life immeasurably and opened up a future I never could have had otherwise. If Wags and I are ever going to measure up to them, I hope he picks up the slack that I'm leaving.

#3 - What is one moment of your life that is forever seared in your memory?

I went to a psychic once and she told me things about my life that were so specific, with so much accurate detail that no one else could have ever known, that it terrified me so much I can never go back. After I left, I made a list of everything she told me, and every single thing has come true, 100%, some of them taking a year or more to happen, but in ways I couldn't control that altered the course of my life completely.

I can't go into a lot of detail without breaking down a wall between my real life and the internet that I really need to keep intact. I wrote a little bit about it, probably as much as I ever can, on the one year anniversary of it. I almost told a different story so that I wouldn't have to dig up that link and read it again, but in the end I realized that there aren't a lot of moments in my life that are truly seared into my memory. The trip to the psychic, the first words out of her mouth, is a memory that is still so powerful that it brings about a physical pain. It's not a good memory or a bad memory, just a memory. But it's the sharpest. I think it always will be.

#4 - What is one modern invention that you could not live without?

A dishwasher. I know that I can't live without it because I do live without it, for the first time in my adult life, and it sucks, and Duke and I would have a much happier relationship if we had a dishwasher.

#5 - If you were offered the seat of Mayor, Governor, or US Senator... which would you choose and why?

Mayor. I'm from Illinois, so Governor is out of the question. I don't want to go to jail, and the stats are not good there. Senator is too much responsibility. Well, all of them are, actually. As much as I love politics, I have absolutely no desire to hold a public office. So I guess my true answer would be "none of the above". But if it had to be one of those choices, I'd pick Mayor and hope that I didn't screw things up too badly.

And a Bonus: what kind of shampoo do you use on your hair? (total proof that Erin reads me too, heee!)

I am an Ojon addict. In the summer, I use Ojon's Ultra Hydrating Shampoo and Conditioner. In the winter or when I need an extra boost of moisture, I step it up to the Tawaka line. I also use the Restorative Hair Treatment pretty regularly. I use a T3 dryer, rarely, a microfiber hair towel, and I am mastering the art of magnetic rollers in lieu of curling irons.

Bored and looking for ways to pass your day? Care to play along?
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.