Twice the Speed of Life

Mark it down on your calendars, March 5th, the end of an era.  No, no, not that era.  I don't even want to talk about that era.

I got my first speeding ticket tonight.  After being pulled over 11 times in 8 years, receiving a combination of verbal and written warnings 11 times, the 12th time did me in.  67 in a 55.  It wasn't even good speeding.  I had to resist the urge to say, "Dude, I've gotten verbals for going much faster than that."

I'm not going to fight it or fuck around with it or anything.  I paid it already.  In reality, I deserve it for the sheer amount of pride I had in my speeding invincibility.

~sigh~

Now I feel old. 

I guess I will have to talk about that era ending too.  I shouldn't say I "feel old" when in reality I "feel like a failure".  All of the things that I always thought I'd have done by now - none of them are done.  I won't bore you with the list, but it's long and it's mostly personal, a little business.

It seems like my life is two long-running lists.  One is a list of normal things that I expected myself to have accomplished by age 25, and the other is the list of things that nobody should have to deal with or have experienced by age 25.  And I keep adding items in the wrong column.  I am living at twice the speed of life, but I've only accelerated the bad stuff.  I didn't get a head start on love or marriage or family or happiness or success.  Instead I jumped the gun on illness and pain and death and suffering and drama.

I'm trying really hard to not be all poor poor pitiful me tonight, because honestly life is pretty great right now.  I wouldn't change much.  I'm just having another one of those evenings where I feel like laying in the middle of my living room floor and staring at the ceiling and waiting for the world to stop moving because I'm just not able to keep up with it right now.

The Cowboy tells me it has something to do with the gravitational pull of my giant head.